So, I know I said in my last post that I would post about my miscarriage when it wasn't so raw and fresh in my head but what can I say, I didn't lie, I just didn't think I would need to get as much out as I think I need to right now. It was 2 weeks ago tonight that I lost the baby and while the physical issues of my miscarriage have gone (i.e. bleeding and cramping) the emotional issues are just starting. I mean, it is a real eye opener when you are pregnant and having all the pregnancy symptoms and issues and then you aren't and you have nothing to show for it but a whole lot more fabric for that Maid of Honor dress you have to wear in a few weeks because you should have been 4 months pregnant with child number 3 and there would have been a whole lot more of you then there was at your last fitting.
While I was going through the whole physical miscarriage process of tests, ultrasounds, cramping and bleeding and such to see if I need a D&C and I was still having all of the miscarriage symptoms it was easy to push the reality of things out of my head b/c the bleeding was a pain in the ass and I was uncomfortable and going back and forth to the Dr and all that jazz and now that things are back to "normal", reality has set in. I was pregnant and now I am not. Reality really does bite.
I know that I have been really short with Matt and I know that I shouldn't be like that but he just doesn't get it. I don't expect him to and I don't want him to, I just want him to at least pretend to get the fact that no matter how unplanned this pregnancy was, from the moment that stick showed two pink lines I was bonding with the baby and with the pregnancy. I had embraced it, no matter how afraid I was of going through this high risk pregnancy in Florida, I had loved that little bean in there like I had known it for a hundred years. That is how real it was to me. It just wasn't real to him. Seriously though, is a pregnancy ever really REAL to a man until that baby comes out? I mean, they have no morning sickness, their boobs don't get so sore that putting on a bra is even more of a chore than before, they don't get woken up when the baby decides that the rib cage looks like a great jungle gym, they don't walk around with TUMS in every purse they own and in the car and in every room of the house and in every office desk drawer because that acid reflux could strike at any moment. It just isn't real to them. Sure, they are excited and they are nervous but how real could it truly be to them? And it isn't their fault, it just is that way. Men are tough, they can lift the heavy furniture, they can change the oil in and a tire of car, they can put together a treadmill or a bicycle in record time but give them a crib and a manual and it could take days. It just isn't in their makeup to get 'it' until that baby is here and waking them up at 3 AM. I try to remember that, I try to remember that this pregnancy wasn't real to him yet and I try not to punish him for that. But it is hard, it is hard because I am so sad and I am hurting so much and I am so mad at him for NOT feeling like that and I am jealous that he doesn't get it. I am jealous that I am the one that had to go through the physical pain of a miscarriage and now I have to go through the emotional pain too...
I will get through it. I know I am stronger than I give myself credit for being but I just feel like I am going through the emotions of the move still and now I have this. I pray every night that God gives me the strength that I need to get through all of this and come out the other end a better woman, mom and wife. I am forever thankful for my kiddies that are here with me, they bring me a brightness that I never could have imagined. They are truly my reasons for getting out of bed in the morning and everything I do, I do with them in my mind and heart. I know that when and if it is time for Matt and I to have another blessing, it will happen and it will be amazing.
I am sorry this is so long again... I guess I have more that I needed to let out than I realized... Thank you for reading if you got this far.... I hope that those that are reading this have a wonderful day....
With love from,
Chrissie in Happy Valley
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Posted by Chrissie at 7:26 PM