Friday, July 3, 2009

Overwhelmed...

***Hi... I hope my post doesn't come across nasty, it's just that there is so much going on that there isn't any good way to answer the question, 'how is Mike?'. Words hold a lot of value to me and the people who ask about him are greatly appreciated and I am so thankful to those who ask about him. I just need people to know why the get the same response almost every time they ask about him! Please keep the prayers coming!

I think that the title of this entry definitely says it... I am feeling overwhelmed. The feelings and thoughts I am having are overpowering me. There are details that I am not posting, things that I am not discussing with too many people and things that I am not adding to the Caring Bridge site just because I need time to digest them. I know that is so hard for some people to understand but to another mom that is going through this it is completely understandable.

The great news is that Mike's scan on Wednesday was stable! I was thrilled, I am thrilled... but at the same time I was saying, 'Ok, we've been on this chemo for 6 months, when are we going to see signs of the disease shrinking?'. I feel HORRIBLE complaining about any of it, because believe me, I am beyond thankful and thrilled that the cancer is not growing but I am ready for shrinkage. I am ready for him to be running around and playing like a 'regular' kid again, chasing his sister and his sister needing to kick him out of her room. I am ready to register him for school and bring him to the beach. I would love for him to be teasing his sister and challenging her to games of tag or hide and seek and actually be able to play them on his feet. But for now, I am happy with stable. I am happy that we have no growth of the tumors. I am holding onto that for the next 3 months until our next scan.

Now, even through wanting all of those things that I just mentioned, I am grateful for every day that we have, because believe me, if this journey has taught me anything, it is that life is too short and the children that we are blessed with are the greatest gifts that we could ever be given. We need to do as the saying says and "Live Well, Laugh Often and Love Much". And I truly am trying to embrace the "To see the rainbow you have to live through the rain" motto too... There are days that it is easy to embrace that... other days, not so much.

I am thankful for the family that we have that supports us so amazingly. It is only because of them that we are able to live up here and get Mike the treatment that he needs. I am thankful for the friends that we have, especially those true friends that are always there for me and know that when I answer the question, 'How's Mike doing?' with the standard, 'He's doing ok' answer, there is so much more behind it.

I mean really, let's face it... how the hell do you really answer that question? I don't know what to say to people when they ask that question. "How's Mike doing?" How do you answer it? I know that the person asking probably doesn't want to hear a long, drawn out answer, so I say, 'He's doing ok'. Now, please don't get me wrong, he is doing ok, in fact there are days that he is doing better than ok and there are days that he is not doing anywhere near ok... but there is so much more to all of this than can really be told in the answer to that question. He has cancer and while I have to deal with it every minute of every day, it is not all that I want to talk about. It is not all that anyone wants to hear about. "He is doing ok" and "we are taking things one day at a time". I guess that's all I can really say. And really, while I am so touched that so many people ask about him honestly, I don't want to have some long, drawn out conversation with everyone who asks about Mike. I don't want to go on about how I hate that this is our 'new life', about how Mike is on this chemo and we have no idea what kind of tumors are growing in his head and spine so while chemo can normally be considered a crap-shoot, it's even more of a crap-shoot now. I am certainly not going to tell everyone who asks about Mike or me that I spend days and nights worrying and holding back tears because I can't be with Katie enough or that I get sick because Mike mispronounced a word and what if that means the tumors are changing or then there's the nights when I worry about what will I do about Mike going to school, where will he go, when can he start, or even just thinking about the fact that I am a cancer mom now and after one MRI, life for me and my family has forever been changed can keep me up at night. And certainly no one wants to hear about the medical bills or the fact that I now have to deal with the idea that Mike will forever be known as a cancer patient and how will we, as a family deal with that? What will we do? Will we ever be able to move out of the city again because every move that we make has to revolve around his care and his treatment? Will this EVER feel like a 'normal' situation to us? Can this really be our new reality? These things can keep you up at night... well, those things and once you throw in a chemo protocol or a fever or, our latest mess, c-diff I think you can pretty much count on your hands how many full nights of sleep I have gotten in the past 9 months.

So, please know that when you ask me "How's Mike doing?" and I say "he's doing ok" the answer behind it is, 'He really is the strongest little boy I know. Even when he is feeling yucky, he is an amazing kid. And that while we have no idea what is going on with Mike and we have no idea how long it will take to get him well, we do know that we are in this fight for the long haul and I will spend as many days and nights worrying and I will do whatever I have to do to get Mike to the point that he gets better and beats cancer.'

So, add that to the feelings and thoughts that I am experiencing after conversations with the doctors on Wednesday after Mike's MRI and I think overwhelmed might be an understatement for how I am feeling.

Anyway, thank you so much again for your love, prayers and support. They all mean so much to us!

Love,
Chrissie

2 comments:

Wife to the Rockstar said...

wow. I am not sure how to respond. I know words do not hold much value when you are enduring so much.

Your son will be in my prayers.

Chrissie, Christine, Chris, Mommy, Mama, Maaaaa... said...

Hi... I hope my post didn't come across nasty, it's just that there is so much going on that there isn't any good way to answer the question, 'how is Mike?'. Words hold a lot of value to me and the people who ask about him are greatly appreciated and I am so thankful to those who ask about him. I just need people to know why the get the same response almost every time they ask about him!