Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Hair... a release of sorts for me...

Ok, well we all know that chemo makes the hair fall out. I hadn't known exactly why it does this until Mike started chemo and Katie asked why it happens. I don't know why I didn't know or why I never asked, but it was just one of those things that is there. It just happens. So, when Katie asked, I got her the answer. It turns out that the chemotherapy drugs' main job is to kill fast growing cells. Some of the fastest growing cells in the body are the hair cells. So, it kills them.
I have posted pictures of Mike in many places, on my MySpace and Facebook pages and on here. I have shared albums of pictures online with family and friends. It is apparent to everyone that the chemo is killing Mike's hair cells. Sure, it has taken longer than we thought and I am grateful for that because it is gradually falling out and allowing me to take my time dealing with it.
Now, two of the things that bother me when people say them are, and please don't feel bad if you have said this to me before because you would have no idea that they bother me. I know that you were trying to make me feel ok about his hair and that you were trying to help and you said them out of love for me and Mike. And to be honest, I have said and thought them myself before. I had no idea that they would bother me so much hearing because they are logical. They make sense, they really do. But they bother me all the same. They are, 'He's a boy. It's ok, it would be worse if he was a girl' and 'Don't worry, it'll grow back'.
Ok, yes, he's a boy. But that doesn't make it ok. How could it? What makes a little boy's hair loss any less traumatic than a little girl's to their mom that is caring for them through cancer and chemo? It isn't ok that he is a boy and has only gotten one haircut in 3 years. It isn't ok that his amazingly long eyelashes are falling out or that when I kiss his head I kiss more of his scalp than hair. It isn't ok that when he touches his head and then puts his thumb in his mouth he has to fish hair out of his mouth off of his tongue and cries, 'Hair! All done hair!' while he is doing it. None of this is ok. And yes, God willing, it will grow back. But I will get back to that one in a minute.
I want you to know that if I could save every hair that has fallen and will fall out of his head I would. If I could turn back time and he still had to have these tumors I would have found them earlier. If I could take away his pain and sickness I would. But I can't do any of these. His hair falling out is a constant reminder to me that he is sick. Even when he is smiling and laughing and acting great, the hair loss is always there staring me in the face.
Ok, you are all right, it will grow back. God willing, he will have a full head of hair and he will be getting hair cuts constantly. Now, I would like this to be sooner rather than later but I'll take it whenever it comes. I pray more than once a day, more than 5 times a day actually, that the chemo is doing it's job and that one day he will be tumor free and off chemo. Because that, and only that, will mean that his hair will grow back. So when you say, it will grow back, please know that while I know in my heart of hearts that it will, today it is falling out. Today it is falling out because his tumors are still there and he is still on chemo. When I say, yes I know it will grow back, I say it as more of a prayer and a hope and a plea to God that he will be tumor free and growing back into that happy all the time little boy because I truly believe that we will fight this and beat it.
So, please pray for Mike and our family that his hair will grow back... that he will be tumor free and off of chemo and grow up to be a healthy man living a long happy life. Please pray for all of the kids who are losing their hair to chemo and their families that are caring for them that they all have the strength to get through their chemo and that they win their fight with cancer just like I know and pray that Mike will.



Anonymous said...

*HUGS* and cont prayers.


Jennifer said...

i totally understand where you are coming from and how you are feeling with all of this. when my SIL was sick and had to have chemo they all tried to tell her... "you have such a pretty face it doesn't matter." OR "if anyone can pull of not having hair it is you, you are so pretty." and "don't worry it'll grow back." okay so she was BEAUTIFUL without hair and it would grow back.... BUT the point was that she didn't feel beautiful, she felt her hair falling out and she didn't feel good she felt sick so who wants to hear those things??

I always think of your family and you and always pray for you. I pray for HEALTH and strength for you all and a speedy recovery for Mike.

much love!!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Oh, this is so sad. You have every right to feel that way about your baby losing his hair!
{{{hugs}}} to you all.